Enter Ken Finlayson
by Jet556
Summary: Ken Finlayson is a new kid in Norrisville. He's heard that there are monsters, robots and a ninja but he hasn't seen them. His conclusion? It is all a conspiracy! Randy Cunningham is in on it! The Weienrmans are in on it! The crazy snake man at the end of his street is in on it! The poster of Anne Hathaway in his basement is in on it! He is going to prove that this is a conspiracy!
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome, everybody! Yeah, there is an OC in this. You can expect lots of getting crap past the radar, Shakespeare references, historical references, literature references, Barbie jokes (Heh, heh… Ken), some black humor, drama, old movie references and Canadian stereotypes as a berserk button. Enjoy and review.**

**New Town, New School… Yay (Sarcasm)**

_From the Journal of Ken Finlayson_

Sixteen years old… Yeah, because ending up in a new school when you're halfway through high school is so great. Why me? Who me? Me is Ken Finlayson… Why am I talking… thinking… think-talking? Talk-thinking? Whatever, why am I doing whatever this is like this?

Why? Why of all places did I end up in Norrisville? Actually a better question is why did I end up in another Ville? I was born in Leeville, Ontario and now I'm living in Norrisville, New York. Actually this is great! I can go back to Ontario whenever I want… except I'm living at the very bottom of the state… What the freak?

Apparently there are monsters, robots and a ninja here. Yes, monsters, robots and a ninja! My family moved here on Saturday and I haven't seen anything in two days.

This is all a conspiracy! My parents are in on it! That Randy Cunningham is in on it! (R. Cunningham? Someone's parents are fans of "Happy Days.") That ugly beast Weinerman and his hot sister are in on it! Even the crazy snake man at the end of my street is in on it!

Actually, my parents probably aren't in on the conspiracy. Since their archaeologists and are rarely home they probably don't know anything about it. Where are they now? They're in motherfreaking Egypt! Maybe they'll find the scroll of Thoth and revive a mummy that was sentenced to death in both this world and the next.

Well, if I can't blame my parents then I can blame my brother Peter… But he's studying at the university of Outer Mongolia so I can't blame him either!

If I can't blame my parents or my brother I'll just blame… I'll just blame the poster of Anne Hathaway that is in the basement! Hey, if it worked for Warden Norton to blame a poster of Raquel Welch then it will work for me to blame a poster of Anne Hathaway.

I swear I'll prove that this is a conspiracy! There is no monsters, no robots, no ninja and I'll prove it! Then I'll go down in history as the person to have… Blast, time for school, I'll continue this entry later.


	2. Chapter 2

**Welcome back everyone. We know that Ken is wrong about it all being a conspiracy but that just makes it funnier. Enjoy and review.**

**First Day of School**

Ken stepped into school. He looked around the hall. It seemed normal but anything involving a conspiracy seemed normal.

"Okay, time to start investigating!" He muttered. He had a Southern U.S. accent having gotten it from his maternal grandpa whom he had spent too much time with! Then he saw Heidi. "But first, some quick hitting on the hot redhead!" He walked over to her only to freeze up and walk away. Ken should have thought about what he was going to say. "On second thought, just investigating."

What was Ken going to do? He was going to question Randy Cunningham. Start with questioning Randy and then investigate his claims! After three minutes, he found Randy… with that fat tub of lard Howard.

"Hey, Ken, Bruce sunglasses!" Randy's comment confused Ken. He just stood there with his head turned a bit to the side and a raised eyebrow. "Uh, cool sunglasses?"

"Oh, thanks." And with that, Ken took of his lens. What he was wearing was just his glasses with magnetic sunglasses lens attached. "Okay Costello, take a walk. Me and Abbott need to talk." Randy and Howard both looked at each other. Who was who? This resulted in Ken face palming. "Howard… take a walk… me and Randy need to talk."

"Then why didn't you just say that?" Ken glared in response. "Right leaving." Howard left thinking that Ken was weird.

With Howard gone, Ken tapped Randy on the shoulder. "Okay, R.C. tell me why do you all think there is a ninja?"

"Because the Ninja has protected Norrisville High for eight hundred years!" Ken rolled his eyes and slapped Randy in the face. "What the juice was that for?"

"Will you listen to yourself? A Japanese assassin that has been defending this school before Columbus even discovered the New World?" Were the people behind this conspiracy a bunch of idiots? Ken then slapped Randy across the face again. Randy looked around wondering why Ken was slapping him across the face. "And three centuries after Ulfsson discovered the New World!" Once more Ken slapped Randy across the face. "And it was China, not Japan, who is hypothesized to have discovered the New World in 1421!"

"Why do you keep slapping me? Are you crazy?" Randy's question was met with, once again, Ken slapping him in the face.

"No, Randy, I am completely sane and can see through your fallacies!" Ken took off his glasses and looked Randy in the eye. "You can't fool me! I know this all part of some money making conspiracy! Now who started it?"

Randy took a close look at Ken's right eye. What was up with it? Why was there a tic in it? "Are you sure you're not crazy? And what the juice is up with your eye?"

Ken backed away. It was just a little bit on pink eye, nothing more nothing less. "I've questioned you and you give me nonsense!" Ken then walked away in search of someone else to get information from.


	3. Chapter 3

**Welcome back everyone. Ken will get a bit of his appearance described in each chapter. Enjoy and review.**

**Freak**

"Hey! Herbie Brown!" Howard turned and there was Ken. Ken had his right hand up waving. Why the juice did Ken have on three fingers on his right hand? He had a thumb and an index figure but why the juice were the remaining three fused together?

"I thought you were going to be calling me 'Costello.'"

"I'll call you what I want, you fat tub of lard!" Ken proceeded to poke Howard in the chest. Coming from Ken and his disfigured right hand if felt weird.

"Yeah, okay." Howard's eyes were on Ken's hand. It was just so hard not to stare.

"Now, Herbie Brown, about that ninja, monsters and robots… tell me the truth. Are they real?"

"Yeah, they are." Howard's answer was met with a slap in the face from Ken. Ken used his right hand and it was weirder than being poked in the chest by it.

"I told you not to lie!"

"I'm not lying?" Again Howard got a slap in the face from Ken. Again it was from his right hand. It must have been what being hit by a penguin's flipper was like!

"You're lying right now!"

"You're a freak!" This time Howard didn't get a slap to the face. Howard's eyes were on Ken's flipper of a right hand. He just gave a smile and nodded. "You think that's a compliment? Dude, you are juiced up!"

"Yes!" Ken started to rub his chin with that flipper of his. "I am beautiful!"

Howard stared in disbelief. How could someone liked Ken consider himself beautiful? Especially with a right hand like that? At least his left hand was normal looking, despite the lack of a thumb.

"Okay… I'm just gonna…" And thus exited Howard! Being seen with Ken would not help his reputation.

Ken watched as Howard walked away. He should have asked if Heidi had a boyfriend. If she didn't then that was excellent, if she did then he'd just be "a victim of the conspiracy."

Ken reached out a hand and grabbed the nearby Bucky Hensletter. "Bucky!" He couldn't believe he just said that! Was this guy's dad a "Captain America" fan? "I hear you've been turned into a monster a few times."

"Two times actually."

"So obviously you must have a split personality! So you freaked out went all Mr. Hyde but it doesn't mean you actually physically turned into a monster… unless you're like a Lycanthrope because that would be totally awesome." Ken chuckled. "I can watch while the police open fire and kill you."

Bucky was shaking in fear. "Kill me?"

"Yeah… You'd be a danger to society so either you'd be killed or escape into the wilderness and spend the rest of your life as some hairy man beast!" Ken was an odd one. He had a fascination in cryptology, alien life and the supernatural. When he heard about the monsters he was excited, then he heard about the ninja and the robots and became skeptical. After a couple of days of seeing nothing he came to the conclusion it was all a conspiracy.

"Uh…" Then Bucky ran off. The thought of death must have been too much for him.

"Just don't become a Wendigo! There's no escaping those things!" As Bucky ran away he ended up crashing into Stevens. The sight of this only caused Ken to smile. That was enough of preying on the fear of others for now. He had some bad traits, some good traits but after all he was only human. Time to get to class!


	4. Chapter 4

**Welcome back everyone. Less humor in this chapter. A bit more of Ken's crush on Heidi. Also no dialogue whatsoever. Enjoy and review.**

**Class with Heidi**

She was beautiful! Those blue eyes! That orange hair! That ivory skin! That beauty mark under her left eye!

He was freakish. His brown eyes were like a bear's eyes. His brown hair looked like tree bark. His face caused him to look like he had an acid scar but really he had just been born like that.

That was Heidi Weinerman and Ken Finlayson. Why did Ken like Heidi? If one were to suggest an Oedipus complex they couldn't be more wrong. Heidi looked nothing like Ken's mother who was better off not being described. In fact it was from her that Ken inherited his freakish appearance but if one were to make comparisons, Ken looked normal and his mother looked freakish. Of course, the firstborn Peter would look like their normal looking father while second born Ken would look like a toned down male version of his mother!

Ken just sat in his seat looking at Heidi. He had already written down everything he had to. He was fast when it came to writing, odd given how his right hand looked like a flipper.

Heidi was sitting in her seat writing on a piece of paper. What was Ken doing since he had already finished? He was looking at Heidi. Heidi then stopped writing. She turned her head to look at Ken who had started to pretend he was writing even though he had finished.

This went on for ten minutes. Heads turning back and forth as one looked at the other. Ken looked at Heidi because he had a crush on her, Heidi looked at Ken because she thought she felt Ken's eyes looking at her.

Then Heidi caught Ken in the act of looking at her! Shocked, Ken's pencil flew from his grip and the eraser end hit him in the right eye, the eye with pink eye.

Ken screamed in pain. Had it not been the eraser end, the pain would have been worse.

He stood up and ran out of the classroom. Heidi smiled a bit. Two could play at this game and she had won this round.


	5. Chapter 5

**Welcome back everyone. Another journal entry! This is an interesting chapter. It shows ken to be something of a hypocrite. Enjoy and review.**

**Monsters**

_From the Journal of Ken Finlayson_

I believe in monsters. My family has been haunted by a monster since Scotland. It looks like a grey barn owl… A seven-foot tall barn owl! I'd say the wingspan is about ten feet. Julius Caesar! I never thought a giant owl would be so terrifying! Those red glowing eyes! I'll never forget those eyes as long as I live!

What does my family call this thing? We call it the Death Raptor. Why is it haunting my family? Who knows? My family hasn't been in Scotland since the 10th century. We've been moving around so often that we've ended up in the same country again a few times! We've just never gone back to Scotland, never go back to where all this started.

But then I hear there are monsters here in Norrisville. People just turning into monsters and then turning back when the Ninja has beaten them?

Have I walked into a comic book?

Now there are three types of monster I know of that start off as human.

First, is the Navajo Shapeshifter! According to Native American lore, the Navajo Shapeshifter is an evil witch that can turn into a coyote with dull, unreflective eyes. In human form their eyes shine with an inhuman animal glow. Of course, the Navajo are in the southwestern United States and we're in the northeastern so that rules out Navajo Shapeshifters.

Second, is the Lycanthrope! Of course this is also ruled out since none of the monsters have been described as a man-wolf thing.

Good gosh, I hope that they aren't Wendigos. Well, they can't be since those transformations are permanent and can't be reversed.

The lies of this conspiracy are easily seen through! When I get down to the bottom of this mystery I'll be hailed as a hero and go down in the history books as the greatest detective of all time… That's just saying the Death Raptor doesn't show up… If it does then by gosh I really do hope there is a Ninja!

Also if Heidi is in on the conspiracy that would make my plans to date her better! I can just trick her into telling me what I want to know since I can trick anyone and no one has been able to trick me… except for Galyn Podesta but that's another story.

Actually as long as I'm writing about the conspiracy, maybe I should start with questioning the crazy snake man at the end of my street. Randy is crazy, Howard is crazy but Crazy Snake Man is crazier than both of them combined! He's more likely to let things slip than Randy and Howard. Or is he? Randy and Howard are both fairly idiotic, like Bash but not as dumb… in fact Bash is probably two bananas away from being a knuckle-walking ape!

And on an entirely unrelated note, maybe I should start wearing my fake thumb for my left hand even when not driving. I noticed a lot of people staring at my left hand more than my right hand… And I should probably get something for my pink eye no girl wants to kiss a guy with pink eye.

Alright, I'll go out! I'll get medicine for my pink eye, then I'll go question Crazy Snake Man!


	6. Chapter 6

**4Welcome back everyone. Notice that I called William Montana a Native American version of Peter. That's not just about personality, if these two were actually to appear in the show they'd look alike except for their respective physical differences. Also guns are no joking matter this was just some sick, black humor and I'm sorry if any of you are offended. Enjoy and review.**

**Lost and Regaining Cool**

Ken grabbed the pink eye medicine. If he could just get out of this superstore before anyone from school recognized him he could go one without anyone knowing he has pink eye and then go question Crazy Snake Man!

His cell phone started to ring. Ken quickly grabbed his phone and answered it. "Hello?"

"Ken, hey, it's Peter!" Ken's brother Pierre, or Peter as he preferred to be called, was calling from Mongolia… How did that make any sense? How was he doing that? "Just calling to check on my little brother. So what's up? Believe the new town your in has a conspiracy going on? You gotta relax, Kenny! Four times you've been proven wrong!"

"Three times!" Ken barked into his phone. "Those two people were in the same city and were related!"

"Galyn Podesta… funny you had a massive crush on her and she proved you wrong, size of Everest, ha!" Ken started to grip his phone tightly. He was not happy that Peter was reminding him of the previous times he was wrong. "Warren Rhys-Davies and his dad Cedric. Wow, you really hated those two with a passion… like how those morons hate anything that's popular." Ken started to grip his phone harder. "And then there was William Montana… I really liked him."

"OF COURSE YOU DID! HE WAS JUST A NATIVE AMERICAN VERSION OF YOU!" Ken gripped his phone so hard that it broke. He then threw down his broken phone, which broke it even more, and then stomped his foot on it once. All eyes were on him. There were people taking pictures. There we peoples with disturbed looks on their faces. There were people walking away nervously. Ken removed his black bowler hat and started to fix his hair. It had a tendency to get all spiky when he was angry. He placed the hat back on his head and looked at everyone looking at him. There was only one thing Ken could do! He pulled a very real looking gun out of his pocket and pointed it at his head.

Two of the people there were Theresa Fowler and her brother Julian. Theresa was wide eyed with shock at what she was seeing. Julian, being his usual Goth self, was excited.

Then Ken pointed the gun towards the ceiling. He pulled the trigger and water came out of it. It was a water gun… that disturbingly looked like a real gun.

Theresa was not impressed. Neither was Julian, him being a Goth and all.

Ken walked away to the cash register. He didn't walk silently but laughed a very Jack Nicholson as the Joker-like laugh.

All of the people who had been staring and taking pictures then walked away from Ken. He technically wasn't insane but he enjoyed being insane to scare people when it suited him.

This had been real fun!


	7. Chapter 7

**Welcome back everyone. Crazy Snake Man wasn't actually the Ninja he's just crazy. If you do the math you know he couldn't have been the Ninja. Enjoy and review.**

**Crazy Snake Man**

Ken walked up to the door. This was the home of Crazy Snake Man. It really needed to be painted, repaired… this place needed a lot of work!

He pressed the doorbell. It made the sound of a rattling rattlesnake rattle. This guy was really obsessed with snakes. A man in his mid-thirties with an evil-looking goatee that made him look like the Devil and a Flock of Seagulls haircut answered the door… there was a snake around his neck. As for his skin color… he could have been any ethnicity!

"Hillo?" Ken raised an eyebrow. What did Crazy Snake Man just say? "How may I help you?"

"C-c-can I ask you some questions?" Ken's eyes were on the snake. That was King Cobra! Crazy Snake Man had a king Cobra around his neck!

"Yesssss." Crazy Snake Man stood out of then way and Ken walked in. Just not was there furniture that had a snake motif, there were various other things with snake motifs but there were snakes all over the place. This was not a nice place. "Do not worry about my babiessss, they lissssten to me." Crazy Snake Man made some sounds and the snakes all slithered away from him and Ken. He then led Ken to the living room. Ken took a seat in a sinister looking cobra armchair while Crazy Snake Man took a seat… in the coils of a rock python. Ken's stared with wide eyes. "What do you want to asssk me?"

"About the Ninja… there isn't one… right?"

"Oh, there isss! I wasss the Ninja from 1991 to 1994! I wasss even ssstanked once as the Ninja… on my lassst day of courssse." Crazy Snake Man laughed. "I wasss turned into a sssnake monssster." Ken stared in disbelief. Either Crazy Snake Man was so crazy he had dreamed the whole thing up or it actually happened and when he got turned back into a person he then started his snake obsession. Crazy Snake Man let out a sad sniff. "I missssss that glorioussss feeling!"

"Uh huh, and the robots?"

"Ah, like the Terminator! Not like the robotsss they have now." Crazy Snake Man then scratched his ear. "Actually, I don't recall any robotsss appearing until '88."

Ken stared at the python. There was no doubt about it. Crazy Snake Man was crazy.

"Uh, okay. Crazy Snake Man-"

"I have a name!"

"Well what is your name?"

"I can't remember…" Crazy Snake Man started to stroke the head of the python. "What isss my name?"

Ken stood up and started to leave. "Uh, okay, I'll just-" Crazy Snake Man held up a hand and another python quickly wrapped itself around Ken's body. "May I please leave?"

"No… I will hold you prisssoner ssso I can once again go out into public with my babiesss!" There was something about Crazy Snake Man's eyes. Ken took a close look. Crazy Snake Man was wearing contact lenses that looked like snake eyes! This guy was way too obsessed with snakes. "That or you can join my sssnake god cult!"

He was definitely not involved in the conspiracy.

Ken started to sweat. He wasn't much of a cult person and the thought of being held prisoner by this maniacal mad man. If he said yes, Ken would end up becoming a snake worshipper. If he said no, Ken would end up eating whatever Crazy Snake Man ate.

Then the doorbell… rattled! Ken stopped sweating a bit as Crazy Snake Man walked to the door. Ken looked over at a cobra on a bookshelf. It was moving its head as if it was trying to hypnotize him.

"I could get you some juicy mice from the pet store if you get your big brother off of me." Ken shook his head. He couldn't believe he was doing this. He was bribing a snake! How did he sink this low?

Then Heidi and Howard walked in with bags of groceries. They must have been the kids chosen to bring Crazy Snake Man his weekly groceries. Crazy Snake Man just couldn't bring his snakes out of the house, he was forbidden from leaving his house!

All three froze for a second. Howard then looked at the python.

"So how's that feel?"

"Well, Pomeroy Watson, I can't reach an itch. Does that tell you anything?" Ken then looked at Heidi. "Heidi, sweet Heidi, beautiful Heidi… HELP ME!"

Heidi put her bag down and took out her cellphone. Then all of the rattlesnakes in the room started to shake their rattles. She put it away.

They were trapped!


	8. Chapter 8

**Welcome back everyone. Enjoy and review.**

**Boy and Girl**

Maybe it would have been better if Crazy Snake Man had been in on the conspiracy.

Ken started to tap his feet. This was a hard feat when a python was wrapped around his body. Howard and Heidi were putting the groceries away while Crazy Snake Man instructed on where to put the groceries.

There had to be a way out of this.

Ken jumped over to the phone only to realize it was cut. That was frighteningly convenient.

If Ken had known what a mongoose sounded like then he would have tried to sound like one. Maybe that would have scared the snakes and he could escape!

Then Heidi walked back in. Ken hopped over to her and hissed through his teeth. "Heidi! Beautiful Heidi! Sweet Heidi! Gorgeous Heidi, please get this thing off me!" Sweet-talking a girl always worked! Heidi would help him…

"I will but only because it's against my will…" That didn't seem like something Heidi would say. But there was a double meaning in that! She had a thing for him.

Ken started to nod with a happy grin on his misshapen face. Then Heidi started to walk away… Ken's grin vanished. "Wait! Where are you going?"

"To find a flute! Maybe I can charm it!" There was a sarcastic tone in Heidi's voice that Ken did not like.

Ken started to hop after her. "Wait! Come back! I love you!" As Ken hopped after Heidi he accidentally landed on the tail of an adder. The adder, writhing in pain, lashed out intending to bite Ken but ended up biting the python instead. The python tightened in pain and then loosened up completely and fell onto a bunch of other snakes.

It was at that moment that Heidi walked back over to Ken. "You've only known me three days! What do you know about me?"

"You're on the cutting edge of a lot of things, you like attention and publicity, you don't get along with your brother but really no sane person does and you don't care or remember the name of Howard's best friend." Ken then leaned close to Heidi. "See? I know much about you." He then leaned even closer towards Heidi. "Now, give me a kiss!"

"I'll pass on locking lips with you. Just get the juice out of here..." Heidi took a breath and looked down. She then saw that Ken's feet were completely normal looking and matched. His hands didn't. How did that make sense?

Ken started to walk away when all of the rattlesnakes started to shake their rattles. He couldn't leave. When he thought about it, none of them could leave the house of Crazy Snake Man. Crazy Snake Man had three people here. He wouldn't let any of them go.

Ken turned to face Heidi with a guilty look on his face. "So sorry, Heidi, but sacrifices must be made."


	9. Chapter 9

**Welcome back everyone. Sorry for it being short. Enjoy and review.**

**There is a Ninja**

Ken walked out of the house of Crazy Snake Man and saw… a Ninja? He stood there for a minute blinking. "Okay, I'm convinced."

The Ninja raised an eyebrow. "What? You go from saying I don't exist and now you're immediately convinced!"

"Yes."

The Ninja shrugged. "Okay, cool."

Ken cleared his throat. He was positive this was not just some guy messing with him. He was right of course this was the Ninja of Norrisville. But there was a conspiracy and no doubt the Ninja was fighting against it! "Alright, we've got to save Heidi and her fat slob of a brother from Crazy Snake Man!"

"Dude, you left them in there with Crazy Snake Man? Why the juice would you do that?"

Ken coughed. "There are a lot of snakes… It's like an Indiana Jones movie in there." All of those snakes would make anyone nervous. If he were to say sacrifices were to be made that would not make Ken look good in the eyes of the Ninja. "Okay, I've got a plan. We go in there, you use me as a human shield, toss me to the snakes, save Heidi and the human bowling ball and then come back for me."

The Ninja stared for a few seconds. This was so crazy that is just might work. "Sure, what the juice."


	10. Chapter 10

**Welcome back everyone. Another journal entry! Enjoy and review!**

**Aftermath**

_From the Journal of Ken Finlayson_

Okay, so as it turns out there is a Ninja. But that just means he's against the conspiracy that involves monsters and robots that aren't really there.

Alright so I went to Crazy Snake Man's house, the Weinerman siblings showed up, I escaped, the Ninja showed up, we went in and saved the day.

I wish I could say that I really did a lot but that would be a lie. I tripped over my own feet the moment I got into Crazy Snake Man's house. But then again that did help. I mean Crazy Snake Man missed me when he used some of his snakes as arrows and shot them from a bow.

Yes, he actually shot snakes from a bow. A composite bow, like the kind Attila would have used. I'm not joking. I wish I was. It just seems like some sort of animal cruelty to me.

Did any of the snakes with their venomous fangs get the ninja? No, they did not. Why? I don't know… Cause he's the Ninja I guess!

Anyway I knocked out Crazy Snake Man. Yeah, imagine that. The guy who tripped over his own feet knocked out Crazy Snake Man. It makes as much sense as you'd think.

I don't know, I guess all the snakes were focused on the Ninja so I was able to sneak up on Crazy Snake Man and knock him out with a… Gee, I don't know what it was. A frying pan designed to look like a cobra maybe? Anyway I knocked out Crazy Snake Man with something designed to look like a cobra and the snakes immediately backed off. I don't know, I guess without their master they are quite harmless.

So anyway after that, Heidi and Howard thanked the Ninja but completely ignored me. No respect, no gratitude, no nothing. Yeah, I mean it's not like I did anything. Hello, I knocked out Crazy Snake Man! At least acknowledge I did something!

Well, the Ninja gave me the thumbs up so I guess that's something.


	11. Chapter 11

**Welcome back everyone. This time there won't be another journal entry until the final chapter. Also suicide is no joking matter but as I said there would be black humor in this. Enjoy and review.**

**Something Unexpected**

Over the next few days, many of the citizens of Norrisville started seeing a monster. This monster was not like the others. It just showed up. It was a seven-foot tall grey owl with a ten-foot wingspan and large clawed feet.

To anyone else it seemed strange that this most recent monster was just a giant animal. To Ken however, he knew this to be the monster that had haunted his family ever since Scotland. The Death Raptor! It had found him!

Why did it come after him? Why not his great grandfather in Casablanca? The man was ninety-seven years old and had survived the impossible! He had survived having his skull being ripped out and then being beaten to death with it! That was physically impossible and he had survived it!

Why wasn't the Ninja handling it? Well, Ken had heard about the Ninja having gone after a flying monster but he wasn't sure if that monster was anything like the Death Raptor. Actually, considering that this abomination was only seen at night it begged the question of where the Hairball the Death Raptor was hiding during the day.

There was only one thing for Ken to do. That thing was to barge in when Heidi was doing a live blogcast.

"What the juice, Ken! I'm doing a…" Heidi didn't get any farther. Ken just pushed her, chair and all, out of the way.

He then pulled up a chair and sat in front of the camera. Ken cleared his throat and then started to speak in a voice that made him sound like Christopher Lee.

"Citizens of Norrisville! Do not be alarmed! The owl monster that you have been seeing flying through the skies at night has come to kill me! If anyone knows where it is sleeping during the day then tell me and I will reward you with ten thousand dollars. You have an hour. At the end of that hour I will commit suicide by flushing my head down the toilet. You will find me in the library. That is all!"

And with that Ken left the room. Heidi was left unsure of what to say.


	12. Chapter 12

**Welcome back everyone. Enjoy and review.**

**Of all People**

Randy and Howard walked into the library. At the nearest table to the entrance was Ken. They both walked over to Ken who removed his glasses in disbelief.

"You two? Of all people you two are the ones to know where the Death Raptor is?" Ken's right eye started to bulge. Randy and Howard just backed away a bit. It seemed whenever Ken was angry one of his eyes would bugle and tick.

"No, no, no, no, no. We just think you've gone insane." Randy was looking at the bulging eye. He just couldn't look away!

"Actually, I came because I want to see you flush your head down the toilet." Howard's comment then caused Ken's left eye to bulge. This was followed by Randy and Howard backing away even further.

Then Heidi walked in. Ken, bulging eyes and all, turned his head to look at Heidi. Needless to say Heidi was freaked out Ken's bulging eyes.

"Heidi… Have you come thinking I've gone insane like Candy, here?" Randy glared at Ken. Ken had gotten his name wrong on purpose! "Or to see me commit suicide via flushing head down toilet like your brother." Howard started to nod. He really wanted to see Ken flush his head down a toilet. "Please let it be the former… Having two of the Weinerman clan wanting to see me kill myself is sadly depressing… Especially when one of them is you."

"No, I actually came to give you a kiss before you die." Heidi looked completely honest. Ken however did not look convinced. "Okay, no I didn't come to give you a kiss I came to help you look for this thing."

Ken raised an eyebrow. The raising of this eyebrow indicated that Ken knew that there was another reason. "And you want to live blog this search for the Death Raptor?" Heidi nodded. "That works… I like you Heidi but if I must I will resort to maiden sacrifice… But only if I've already sacrificed these two."

Randy and Howard both looked at each other. They didn't sign onto a suicide mission so why was Ken signing them on. They wanted to live to see the next Grave Puncher game come out so why was Ken bringing them along?

Then Bash came into the library. "I know where this thing is now give me the money!" Ken stared at Bash. Bash's stepdad was Hannibal McFist, the third richest person in the western hemisphere! Why did he want money? It just didn't make any sense.

A smile then came to Ken's face. He looked at Bash and held up one finger. Then he looked at Howard and held up two. Then Randy and held up three.

Three guys to sacrifice! Excellent!


	13. Chapter 13

**Welcome back everyone. Enjoy and review.**

**Long Car Ride is Long!**

After school, Ken was driving up to Point Unpleasant. In his car with him were Randy, Howard, Heidi and Bash. Of all people how did Bash end up being the person to know where the Death Raptor was? It just made no sense! Bash was practically a shaved gorilla! A man-ape! How did he know where the Death Raptor was? How? How? HOW! And why was it taking so long to get to this place? An hour had already passed!

"Bash, I swear… one more Barbie joke or stereotypical Canadian joke… and I will pull this car over and kick your butt for an hour!" Clearly, Ken was not taking it too well. From Bash asking how Barbie was and how the igloos in Canada were… Ken was two eyes ticks away from going completely nuts!

Heidi was sitting next to Ken. Upon hearing him threaten to kick Bash's butt she turned her head to look at him. "Do it, Ken, do it!"

Randy and Howard both had their eyes on Bash. They weren't happy with sitting on opposite sides of him. Also they really didn't like him. It would have been great fun to watch Ken kick Bash's butt but they doubted he could do that.

Randy cleared his throat. "So, uh, Ken you've got a plan to find this thing on because I didn't sign onto this suicide mission."

"Yeah, Candy, I do. We use Bash and Howard as bait. Bash will be the guy, Howard the girl." Ken's response was half an answer. It was half an answer that caused Bash and Howard to slide away from each other resulting in Randy being squished between the Bash and the car door. Randy didn't even mind Ken having purposefully called him "Candy" he was too focused on the pain of being squished. "Actually, I just have to ask who named this? Who came up with the name 'Point Unpleasant?'"

"'Unlucky' Joe." Heidi's answer was… bizarre. Did someone named 'Unlucky' Joe really name a place 'Point Unpleasant?' He couldn't imagine it was a popular spot?

"Who's 'Unlucky' Joe?"

"The guy to have been turned into a monster the most when he was alive." Randy's answer didn't help explain anything. What would have helped Randy would for Bash to move over to stop squishing him.

Heidi sighed. "Once a week, Ken, 'Unlucky' Joe got turned into a monster once a week!"

That was unlucky.


	14. Chapter 14

**Welcome back everyone. Enjoy and review.**

**Point Unpleasant **

When they arrived at Point Unpleasant, they all pulled straws. Why did they pull straws? To decide who would be the bait for the Death Raptor! Who got the shortest straws? Not Bash and Howard but Ken and Heidi! Where were Ken and Heidi? Waiting in the car of course while everyone was waiting behind a tree: Randy, Howard and Bash all! If both Howard and Bash were to run before the Death Raptor ever appeared… then Randy would owe Ken ten bucks! If just one of them: five bucks!

With Ken and Heidi in the car together there was just some awkward silence. Ken twiddled his thumb since he only had the one while Heidi looked at her nails.

"So… is that your natural hair color." The silence was so awkward that Ken was asking the obvious.

"Uh, yeah, is that yours?"

"No, I dyed my hair this color."

Heidi then showed some interest. "Oh? What's your natural hair color?"

"White." Ken swallowed nervously. He had to find another thing to talk about. "So… have you always had that mole under your left eye?"

"Yes, have you always looked like a…" Heidi trailed off. She looked at Ken's disfigured appearance and closed her mouth looking down. She wouldn't call Ken that.

"What?"

Heidi bit her lip. She wouldn't answer that question. But there Ken was staring at her wanting to be answered. Heidi let out a sad sigh. "A freak." Ken looked down with a hurt expression on his face. Whenever a guy called Ken a freak he would just sort of laugh it off. Whenever a girl called Ken a freak it hurt.

For Heidi to call Ken a freak was hurtful for both. Ken liked Heidi and for him to hear Heidi say that to him was heartbreaking. For Heidi to call Ken a freak, it made her feel guilty. Ken was a nice guy and to call the poor, disfigured Ken something like that hurt Heidi too.

What did either of them do? Ken did nothing. Heidi just gave Ken a kiss.

Then the Death Raptor showed up!


	15. Chapter 15

**Welcome back everyone. Had to figure out a way to get the Sorcerer in this. How? By having him supercharge the Death Raptor of course!**

**Stank**

Deep beneath the school was the Sorcerer. Like a lizard in appearance he was barely even human looking! Being immortal without having eternal youth could do that to a person. He had fingers like Orlok. Why? Why not! What he had wondered about, since being under the school for eight hundred years had given him plenty of time to wonder, was why he had a British accent if he was from Asia? That was a legitimate question!

Then he sensed a presence. This was a presence he had sensed twice before.

The first time was in 1966 before a bridge in Norrisville collapsed causing much death and chaos. It had been so glorious that the Sorcerer had stank'd so many people he had come so close to victory! So close to escaping! So close to freedom! The creature's presence gad brought so much fear to Norrisville and now it was back!

The second time was in 1976 but unfortunately, there was less fear, less chaos, less death, less everything the Sorcerer loved! Just one death! It was almost like this monster had become less powerful!

But now the creature was back to cause fear, death and chaos again! And there would be much of it!

"I don't usually use the funk this way but the end justifies the means!"


	16. Chapter 16

**Welcome back everyone. Enjoy and review.**

**Something Unexpected**

Ken and Heidi both stared. The Death Raptor had turned into some sort of half-man, half-owl monstrosity. Neither of them expected that.

To Randy and Howard who were watching this from nearby they were completely shocked. A monster had just got stanked… How the juice did that work? Was the Death Raptor depressed? Was it frustrated? How? How did that even work? It just didn't make any sense!

"Finlayson!" Ken's eyes widened in shock! The Death Raptor spoke. That was completely unexpected. Ken had seen the Death Raptor about sixty-five times and never had it ever spoke. Why was it talking? The stank had changed it from a non-sentient demon to a sentient god.

The moral of the story: stank can upgrade things that were monsters to begin with into something worse than what they already were. If anything worse than the Death Raptor were to show up then the Ninja would be in trouble.

"I-I-I'm not a Finlayson. I'm a… Nosyalnif." Ken's response just caused Heidi to roll her eyes. His surname backwards? That was the best he could come up with?

"You can't fool me, Finlayson! I will kill the descendants of the foolish druid who summoned me! No one controls me! I am Moloch!"

Ken and Heidi both started shaking their heads. This thing had a name? It had a name! Just not any name! This demon shared its name with an ancient horned sun demon from the ancient kingdom of Ammon. That Moloch lived off of child sacrifice! Any power forbid that this Moloch lived off of the same thing!

Ken swallowed nervously. Where was Randy? Where was Howard? Where was Bash? Why weren't they doing something?

Heidi was still recording this! Were the police watching? Ken hoped so. If they were then they could come to the rescue!

And then the Ninja showed up.

"Okay, Moloch, Hooter, or whatever your name is! Time to say hello to some Ninja Action!"

Moloch just gave the Ninja a look and swatted the Ninja out of the way. This caused Ken to sigh and rest his head on the steering wheel. They were doomed!


	17. Chapter 17

**Welcome back everyone. Climax time! Enjoy.**

**Now or Never**

And so it was that Moloch and the Ninja fought! The Ninja fought with such bravery against an unbeatable foe! It moved Ken, someone who was cowardly and clumsy.

Ken, disfigured and deformed, sighed a sad sigh. He turned his head to look and Heidi, beautiful and kindhearted when it suited her. He really didn't have a chance with her. He didn't have a chance with any girl.

There was only one thing for him to do! Face Moloch! The blood of Macbeth flowed through his veins! He would do honor to his great ancestor. If he were to defeat Moloch, the Finlayson family would be free from Moloch's wrath. If not… Well, it would be better to not think about that!

"Heidi, I think you should join Howard, Candy and Bash in safety." And with that Ken gave Heidi a kiss on the lips.

Heidi was shocked! Completely shocked! She hadn't expected Ken to be such a clumsy kisser! It was like he was sucking on a piece of bacon! She pushed Ken away. "Okay… And Ken?"

"Yes?"

"Kissing lessons some other time." So left Heidi from Ken's car. But her comment caused Ken to scratch his head in confusion. What did Heidi mean by "kissing lessons?" He was a great kisser! No girl had ever complained about his kissing… Although they would laugh after being kissed!

Ken left his car and looked around. No stick or stone would ever help him. A weapons like one of the Ninja's was what Ken needed!

Where was Excalibur when he needed it?

"Yo Ninja! Arm me!" Ken's request caused the Ninja to look confused.

"What? Arm you? What do you want me to do cut one of my arms off and give it to you?"

Cue Ken's face palming. "Give me a weapon!"

The Ninja understood that plainly enough. He threw his sword and then took some weird scythes on chains out of somewhere. Ken's life had gotten weird… er.

Ken grabbed the sword just as Moloch came flying at him. In fact Moloch was only five feet away from him by the moment Ken caught it. And so it was that Ken pointed the Ninja's sword at Moloch and the great monster crashed right unto the blade.

Moloch was dead. He would no longer haunt the Finlayson family.

Joy at last for Ken's family!

And deep down in his prison the Sorcerer fumed. Oh, indeed he fume! He fumed! Fumed! FUMED! The Ninja would pay for this defeat! This monster he liked! It had caused more chaos than all the others and he didn't even have to make it! How often did that come along! Not having to wait for someone to get angry or depressed! It was easier just to power up a monster he didn't have to create! THE NINJA WOULD PAY!

But the Ninja didn't destroy this monster.


	18. Chapter 18

**Welcome. This is the final chapter. Enjoy.**

**Maybe there is no Conspiracy**

_From the Journal of Ken Finlayson_

I think I'm gonna like it here. I took down the Death Raptor so that's good. Also there really is a Ninja, there are monsters, robots as I've found out today. I guess me saying "And I'm Robo Charlton Heston" had no point. Maybe there is no conspiracy but still, that robotic arm McFist has looks kind of suspicious but it could be all the rage amongst people who have lost an arm.

Anyway Slimovitz has chosen me to direct the school film. What is it called? "Norrisville in the Stratosphere." And the script? It's ridiculous! It's like sixties comic book based cartoon ridiculous!

I can make that work!

I'll cast Randy as the Ninja! He's thin enough and even kinda sounds like the Ninja so it will work! I'll cast Howard as the mad scientist. The mad scientist in the script is described as having green skin. Makes me wonder how Howard will look in the make up.

I cam make this work. I really can.

**The End**


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